Baggage Check, Please!

I checked out of life.

Motherhood, relationship, health, God. I checked out of it all. After my mother passed, or even before that while she was dying, I just woke up one day and quit. I did what I was told and never asked questions. I let others dictate how to raise me daughter, I let others bait me to pushing my SO away, I let God fall to the side, I ate and ate and ate.

I don’t know exactly why I did it. It could have been the stress and sadness from mom, the frustration of my daughter, the pressure from my boyfriend, or any number of things really. I just know that I ended up just not caring.

The consequences of that has placed me at my grandmothers house while me and my boyfriend take a break, a failed connection with God that has left me as lost as ever, a 187 pound hot mess, me constantly on social media to fill the void, and my daughter that is starting to like others more than me.

My fault.

I know that I checked out. Or rather, it hit me like a ton of bricks several days ago while I was looking at the same Facebook post I had just got done commenting on. I refreshed the page and had started over.

Amazing isn’t, how we just ‘forget’ to be present in life. I don’t like it. I feel like I’ve lost the race and I’m being a sore loser about it. We have got to be more visible and active in our lives, everyone!! We need to wake up and not just smell the roses, but plant and cultivate them as well.

 

 

One month and counting

It’s been a little over a month now.

A month and I’m still missing her, still seeing her in my mind, still regretting the things I did and didn’t say, still wanting to call her and see her.

Momma… where did you go?

The hardest part was not watching her pass, was not planning the service, signing the consent to have her cremated, watching the funeral director load her onto a gurney and leave… no, it was not the service or the songs.

It is now, going into a store and meeting a friend and them saying how sorry they were. It is having friends of hers randomly message me on Facebook and say how much they miss her. It is her fiance constantly watching movies with her in them.

It is the surviving after she’s gone. It’s breathing every day without my mother, my best friend, and my biggest supporter. It is the hardest part of loosing someone. Just the going on without them.

I think that they should include a step in the grieving process called ‘dealing with regret’. There is a time after dealing with the grief and the arrangements that you become painfully aware of all of the things that you said or did to a person while they were living. Every time you were impatient with them, frustrated with them, or just grumpy.

It is the hardest part, other than the random people of course.

But i’m still struggling on, trying to find some balance and some activities to occupy my time in the down times. I can’t find myself not having my mind occupied. I have to not think. It does get better I hear. So that’s good.

 

I hope so.

One Bite At A Time

Every now and then this life can knock us sideways and twist us all around. It can come in the form of a job loss, a death, a childbirth, or even a new purchase of something. Maybe we thought we had it all figured out and then turned around to discover we didn’t know what in the world was going on!

Yes, yes, and yes. Me to all of those at this moment. I feel so out of touch with myself, my body, my head, my heart, most importantly, my God. I can’t pray, I can’t workout, I can’t eat right, I have no idea what I want. I lost my mojo. Lack of motivation and confusion has kept me trapped in a cycle that I cannot escape from. I go through the days taking each and every blow, forgetting to dodge. Do I even know how to dodge anymore?

So, as I sat around just thinking about things, I discovered several areas that I can improve upon.

First, my physical health. I can eat better, start my yoga again, start running, strength training… At the same time throw in some healthy food and drink choices and I think that I have a winning combo for that area.

Second, my emotional health. To be honest I am at a weird place in my life that makes me uneasy. I’m fresh from a heartbreak of losing my mother and i’m lost as to what to do with my time. I am trying to find a job. But this dead (ugh really wording?) space is driving me nuts. My solution is to deal with things. Problems in relationships, deal with my past regrets and other things I am holding on to.

Third, my personal health. This is basically “what the heck do I want out of life”. What do I want to accomplish, what are my goals, passions, likes, dislikes… anything like that. I don’t know anymore and that makes me sad. I can honestly say that I lost myself in my relationship with my daughter and her daddy. I completely forgot me. Journaling and anything else I can find enjoyable.

Forth, and the most important, my Christian health. Why do I not pray anymore, where is my Bible even at, and other such things. I have to come back to God and give Him more glory and praise than I have been. Start writing my prayers and gratitude, my praise… really dig into the Bible and some studies, find some devotionals. Just spend time in God.

As I write these things, I do feel better already. I’m confident in myself, but I still feel like I will miss the mark and forget and just give up. Its a terrible self-esteem issue that I have picked up somewhere. I dont like it.

Go away stupid voice. Let me live my life free from your dumb little self doubting whispers. Boo.

Anywho, there are tons of things that I want to improve upon, I just have to focus on several instead of  a lot of them. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. That’s exactly what I plan to do too.

Mom

So today was the memorial service for my dearest, darling, sweet mom. She loved purple, so we asked if everyone would wear purple and show support. Little did we know that there would be a sea of different shades of purple flowing around the funeral home.

It was amazing.

I am extremely happy with the way everything turned out and the love and support that was shown by family and friends. So very happy.

This is an experience that will forever change me. Have you ever went through an ordeal and you just knew that you were not going to be the same? That you just knew was going to make you change your mind or attitude about something? This is mine.

The preacher at the service was a woman that had known Mom all her life. They grew up together. She said somethings that really struck me. Live and enjoy your life. Live it to the fullest. Be happy and just be live. Secondly, love unconditionally. Love like Christ. Love like God. No strings attached. Just, love. And lastly, laugh. Laugh at yourself, at the situation, at the problem, at jokes and funny movies. Never forget to laugh.

I loved this message and it really touched and spoke to me. I think we all get caught up in life. The ‘what ifs’ and the ‘should have beens’, we forget to just enjoy it. I know I am guilty of putting strings to my ‘I love yous’. Like, I love you if you come home early, or help me, or… Even though these are things that should be done, I condition my love according to what is done.

I mean, yes it irritates and hurts my feelings… but does it cause me to love you any less? I have been answering that question with a yes for a very long time. I don’t think I should though.

Christ didn’t.

So why should I?

Haven’t I let God down more than any man or woman has me? Yet, God still loves me. No strings attached. We should all be more like Christ.

I want to live a free life and a happy life and I joyful life. I want to laugh and smile and speak softly. I want to embody Christ and speak love to the souls of my family and loved ones. I want to speak slower and judge less… tame my tongue.

And honestly, I want to stop rolling my eye so daggum much.

~Hannah

My mother

My mother passed away on Friday July 29th at 1:12am. She was 52 years young and was full of life. She was always smiling, laughing, loving and just so friendly.

Two and a half years ago she was diagnosed with Cervical cancer and has surgery, two rounds of different radiation, and finally, chemo. They told us that there was nothing more they could do when the tumor continued growing and started to cause kidney failure.

I was with her as she took her last breath. Her seizures had stopped, her breathing got labored, and she passed peacefully. She had been in so much pain for so long. I ached for her often. She needed rest.

It’s been three days and I don’t think I’ve accepted it yet. I know it’s real, I was there. But my heart hasn’t accepted it yet. I don’t know if I will for a while. I want her back with me. I want to see her smiling face. I want to hear her voice.

I pray that she is waiting with Jesus. I pray that her soul found rest in the Lord. I know that she knew God, I know that she prayed. I want to be able to see her when I die.

She was a great mother, imperfect and flawed, and just the right amount of wonderful. I will miss her every day that I love.

I love you momma.

~Hannah

What I learned in my 20’s

This year I will be 29 years old. My twenties are almost behind me and I’ve been thinking about these past two years. I think I have honestly learned more then, than I have in my entire life.

So, in light of my pondering, I’ve decided to actually spell out and take a look at all I have actually thought about. Now, I know that I haven’t exactly turned 30 yet and still technically in my 20’s… I might just have to repost and redo this in a year and a half.

People will not change for you: Plain and simple. Whether it is in a relationship, friendship, or even family. They will not change just because you ask them to. It might seem like they are, but they won’t. Only God can change a person. Only that person genuinely WANTING to change will make them change.

People will disappoint you: All the time. Again, regardless of it being friends, family, or relationships. People will not do what you ask, not help you when you really need it, will forget about you, will say mean things, and will just act nasty.

You will get your heart broken: It may be because of the first two points. Or you may have an unrequited love. Or the death of a loved one… What ever it is, you will have your heart broken and it will seem like you can’t function. But you can. You will.

You will learn the value of hard work: It might be getting fired from a job and having to settle for something less, it may be finding out that some jobs require you to think like an adult. Not everything is handed on a silver platter. You have to fight and work hard for the life you want to have. You may have to sacrifice some nights out, but it’s worth it.

You will learn you can’t blow money and have some for later too: That hard earned money is not magic. You can’t spend a dollar and expect it to still be there. Save money, put some back, invest it… do something to build a nest egg. You will need it. Spend wisely. occassionally there is nothing wrong with splurging, but not every day…

Your family comes first. No if, ands, or buts: My family has always had my back. They support me, love me, forgive me, help me, and are not afraid to kick me back to reality when I need it. Your family comes before any friends, acquaintance, side piece, friend with benefit… you get the picture. Spend time with them. All the time that you can.

Take care of yourself and exercise: Now, you do not have to be a size 2 with 10% body fat. But please, do some cardio, some yoga, some strength training… at least 30 minutes a day. Not to get skinny, not to be a twig… but because your body needs it. Bodies are not used to sitting and eating all the junk we do. So do yourself a favor and treat it right.

Likewise, take care of your mental health. With all the stress of the world… you need it: This world is hard. We are a generation that is more connected than ever before. With that comes more stress and more pressure. We have to be prefect, always smiling, look a certain way, act a certain way, think a certain way. We have to be successful and rich. We can’t afford to take time away. But please do. We need to unplug, step back, and just breath sometimes. Take the time to access your mental health. Are you stressed? Are you feeling more down than usual? Are you thinking bad thoughts? Establish a baseline and monitor yourself. Know when something is not right. Unwind.

Find God. Plain and simple:  Not everyone in this world is a Christian. I am, so this is important to me. If you’re not? That’s fine. I’ll still accept and love everyone. But find God, my friends. Such a sweet Redeemer. A balm to a scorched soul. Find that flowing river and dive in. If you’re skeptical? Have you tried God? Have you asked to be shown? I have been put at peace so many times by my Savior.

Some things are not worth fighting over: Cleaning a vent in an air conditioner is not a justifiable thing to fight over. Does it matter that it took 5 minutes extra to clean it? No. Will it matter in the long run? No. So why waste the energy on it? Why let the negativity stew? Just put it aside and move along. It’s not worth the energy to fuss about.

Some people are not worth fighting to keep in your life: In your life you are going to collect people that are not good for you. They are negative and bring you down all the time. Or people that encourage you to do back things. Listen to me, let them go. Right now. Let them go. They are not worth the energy. They will not change for you, they will disappoint, and they are not worth fighting with. Whether it’s a boyfriend or friend… whatever. Let them go. If it’s family? Maybe a little space is needed.

People will always have opinions on what you wear, eat, parent, and even walk: Everyone in this world has an opinion and everyone is not afraid to say it. They will talk you down about whatever. Most of the time, it’s because they are unhappy with themselves. Just remember that. Ignore their mess. Focus on your life. You do not need anyone’s approval. As long as you are doing Gods will, what does it matter what man says?

You are responsible for your happiness: You really are. You alone can choose to ignore the mouthy people, to smile, to experience joy, to brush off the negative people, to be present in the moment… no one else. Your choice. Sit and stew about things, or give them to God and brush it off.

Time goes by so much faster the older you get: When I was younger, a day felt like a week. Now? A week feels like a day. There is not enough daylight in the day and not enough night in the night time. I feel like I need more sleep and I do not have enough time to spend with my daughter after doing what I need to during the day. She is getting huge and growing so fast. Next year I guess she will be going to college! Not really, but time feels that fast these days.

Ignore the petty smartass comments: This kind of goes back to the opinions thing. But I feel like it should be separate. Smart comments only reflect a negative mind. Don’t fall into that. It’s a trap. Don’t do it.

Don’t ever be afraid to stand up for yourself and your opinion: I’m so guilty of rolling over and just not wanting to rock the boat. But at the same time, I am not a bad pushover. I like to think myself through it and eventually stand up. Don’t do that. You can’t. If you have a problem, solve it right then. Don’t stew about it. Just voice your concern or issue and go ahead and stand firm. Do not back down. If you find you are wrong, be able to sway. Stand up for what is right and just. Always stand up for Christ. It’s always worth it.

You can say NO: I have a hard time telling someone no. I say maybe or I’ll see and then I always end up doing it. This habit has put me out many times. I have suffered from doing it. The guilt that I have eats me up whenever I say no. But the older I get, the more I realize that it’s ok to say no. My family has shown me that it’s ok. They will catch me and pick up the slack if I need them too. It. Is. Ok.

People pleasing will only drain you. Please God: It drains you. It creates guilt in places there shouldn’t be. It makes your life dim. It haunts you. Don’t do it.

You need Church. If you’re a christian, you need a church family: If you are serving God and wanting to grow in Christ (as we should), you need that church family. You need the fellowship. The encouragement that fellow Christians can give is amazing. We need that.

Keep your relationship between you and them. No one else. Need to vent/? Talk to God: I have a huge issue with hurting others and not wanting to rock the boat (like I said.. ugh me…). I never wanted to let my boyfriend know when I was upset or irritated. I would turn to vent to his grandmother, my grandmother, my best friend… everyone that would listen. Terrible terrible TERRIBLE idea. Do not do this. Keep it between you and him. That’s where it should go and stay. If you need advice, pray. Talk to a friend that is centered on Christ, not one centered in the world. We don’t need worldly advice. We need advice from the Bible. Something that can lift us. Not encourage more confusion.

I don’t think I will ever be through learning. I will never stop finding out things, learning new lessons, being taught to go deeper… It’s a process.

Life is never predictable. My last piece of advice: Love yourself. Be completely in love with your mind and body and soul. Believe in yourself.

~Hannah

Confused, not Dazed

Today my heart hurts, my brain is rattled, and my emotions are everywhere.

We made a decision to stop visitation with mom and a longtime significant other. He was there for her through everything. He cared (as we thought) for her, loved her, and for the most part treated her right.

He has a history of irrational and confrontational behavior. She is on heavy pain meds and cannot walk, eat, drink… anything. He has been trying to get her up and putting foods in her mouth, regardless what we said to him.

He was starting to get back verbally abusive and confrontational. He hasn’t got to that point yet. But, it was coming. We could all see it.

So we went ahead and done it.

It actually hurt me.

I wanted him to straighten up, to support us and our decisions, to act right and not push certain things.

I wanted the friendship and love to continue.

Mom is needing more and more pain meds to be comfortable and it’s keeping her sedated. he would have a hard time dealing with that. He would become more and more aggressive.

I say to myself, “I’m saving him from having to deal with it”. But, i’m not a martyr. I’m not going to pretend to be that good. I was somewhat selfish in agreeing to do it. I did not want to deal with his grieving and mine at the same time.

How noble of me.

I can imagine his confusion and frustration and hurt when the officers walked in. I know. I can’t say it’s for the best. But I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet. Like I made a good decision.

Whether we agree or not, I do think it’s for the best. I wish I could have spoken to him first. Explained things. Explain my side. I don’t think I could have though.

Do I regret this? Yes.

Am I confident it was the right decision? Yes.

Do I hate the situation? Yes.

I wish I didn’t have to make these decisions. I want someone else to make them for me. This deep dragging down of my soul has to hit rock bottom at some point, right?

My friends, please, continue to lift us up in prayer.

Pray for our comfort, peace, healing, mind, and soul.

~Hannah

I promise…

For those that do not know, my  mother is in hospice. She has end stage Ovarian and Cervical Cancer. She had border line kidney failure.

My family is going through a stressful and tough time. Prayer appreciated.

Any who, that being said, I understand better than most people, that things are a little wonky right now and everyone can be a bit tense and prickly.

But, what I can’t understand is being a complete smart ass, being snarky at people, constantly being sarcastic, bad mouthing behind family’s back all the time, and just generally being ugly.

Sorry I have a daughter that made me late. Sorry I know I am right about the meds and took a little offense that you went behind my back and changed them anyways, sorry I know what I am talking about and get frustrated when you ask someone else and believe them instead of me.

That will be your problem from now on.

I promise to keep my mouth shut around you. Your opinion of me will no longer give me validation as to who I am.

I promise to keep my own opinions to myself. I will instead speculate with the nurses about things and my man who actually listens without judgement.

I promise to no longer vent with you. You will no longer be privy to inner thoughts, sadness, pain, frustrations, and hurt.

I promise to not leave my child with you anymore. You will no longer have to complain that she is too loud, too wild, too spoiled, too fat, too anything. She’s perfect.

I promise that you will not control my thoughts or actions by what you say or your attitude. I am a grown woman. You are too. Let’s act like it.

I promise that you will never see me cry or see me weak. We’re family, but you can’t handle me being anything else but what you think you see me as.

I promise to gain confidence in myself. This way you can’t tear me down with nasty words, comments, remarks, eye rolls, texts to your daughter, or texts to me.

I promise to no longer show up with an excuse. I’m here. Thank the Lord.

I promise to never explain myself. I shouldn’t have too. You don’t. Neither will I.

Lastly, I promise to always be here beside you for a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a ear to hear, and a heart to feel compassion. But, we can no longer be best friends, bff’s, buds, we must simply be family. That is enough for me right now.

I’m hurt by the attitude that I’ve constantly received every time you’re around. I can’t do it anymore. I have a daughter and boyfriend that loves my smile too much.

I love you my dearest family. I love you so much it hurts. You’re my heart and soul. My life blood.

But it’s time for me to break free and think for myself.

~Hannah

Something about myself

Today I was researching information about the characteristics of Pride for a novel/story idea that I had. As I was reading some things I started to sweat. A lot.

I got a little uncomfortable.

There is was in black and white:

1. Do you have a hard time admitting when you are wrong?
2. Do you become defensive when you are criticized or corrected?
3. Do you often complain—about the weather, your health, your circumstances, your job, your church?
4. Do you neglect to express gratitude for “little things”? To God? To others?

(You can read the full list here: Evidences of Pride)

The list has about 41 items on it and I was shocked at how many applied to me. Me? Prideful? No, It can’t be so. But there is was, all those characteristics of pride glaring at me as I cringed.

I am prideful. It’s something that I had thought and played around with for a while, but never seriously considered that I could be that way. I mean, I thought of everyone else instead of myself! I never said no to others! I was putting others first since day one!

But, as I rechecked my attitudes I started to feel ashamed. I complain about everything and everyone. I do not even thank God for the little things. I absolutely HATE admitting when I am wrong. Abhor it, even. Do not even try to correct me, I’m as prickly as a cactus!

Now, I sit here ashamed at myself. Praying and begging God to please knock me down a peg. Humble me. Guide me. Correct me when i’m wrong, Oh Lord!!

It’s exhausting being right all the time. Constantly fighting to be heard and acknowledged just to feel seen. I have to know that people approve of my decisions, my actions, my thoughts. How tiring. How draining, not only physically, but Lord, emotionally and spiritually as well.

Friends, say a prayer for me. Please. Pray that I become humbled and my pride is knocked away.

Maybe I won’t be so tired anymore. Maybe I can quit fighting against the world.

~Hannah

Let’s be honest, even though I don’t wanna

OK, so it’s about to real honest up in here. I’m talking ‘straight to yo face and all up in yo grill’ type of honest. I have written about this before and I was halfhearted in making any plans and taking action. I talked a good game and made great plans! But never did anything.

What are you talking about Hannah!

I’m talking about my… food addiction.

But Hannah, get serious. That’s not a real thing!

Lies!! It is a real thing. Trust me.

For the past two weeks I have fed this addiction and gave in to it. I ate everything, I hoarded food, I got up at midnight and snicked food into the bed… Yesterday, I ate 10 mini brownies. 10. Let that sink in. Two was considered a serving.

Today I weighed myself to find that I had gained 8 pounds in two weeks. It hit me hard. I had started running/ walking again, started yoga again, watched what I ate, and drank nothing but water. It doesn’t mean anything when the food is an addiction.

It’s my stress relief, my comfort, my safety blanket, my everything when I need it. It’s embarrassing saying that. It really is. How ashamed I am to know that I am relying on food instead of relying on our Almighty God! Isn’t He the only one that can really comfort me? Ease my stress? A safety blanket? Can’t only God provide my every needs?

Today I am making an effort to not only count those calories, but the trust God to give me what I need, when I need it, and how I need it. For example, I need to get over the fact that I am using food to cover my sadness over my mother. Can’t God ease that burden better than a brownie?

By the way, the answer is yes. Yes, He can.

I think that when the world starts spinning too fast, we start grasping at physical things to get up by. I am somewhat immature in my faith with God. I have known God for a long time. I never KNEW God until now. As someone with a slight (re:huge) issue with control, it’s to just give up that power and hand it over to someone else.

I could control food. I can’t control cancer.

God knows what he is doing. Thankfully. Because I am completely lost most of the time.

So, is there another game plan? Yes.

Trust God. When I get the urge to binge, Pray. When I get the urge to hide food? Pray. When I feel overwhelmed and out of control? Pray.

Notice the trend?

This is going to be hard. It’s going to test me beyond anything.

Anything worth having isn’t easy though.

~Hannah