Round 2: less complaining and eating…

I seriously had a great post going and I friggin hit the wrong button. What the actual crap. Basically I was being all whiney about how hard my year has been and poor me, it’s so sad. But honestly, it made me realize how selfish I sounded. Mom got cancer, oh MY life is hard. What is wrong with that picture! Things are happening around me, not to me. It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself when you actually bother to listen. I realized that I have been playing the victim card for way too long. Oh no, someone didn’t think about my feelings: people don’t do that anymore! Not everyone is empathetic.
Sometimes I get on my own nerves. Complaining, that crap gets old too. Ya know what? For the next week I think that I am going to stop doing all of that. I cant take the negativity anymore. It’s really starting to bother me. I don’t want my daughter to grow up remembering mom complaining all of the time. I want her to remember me smiling and being happy. And another thing. I want to just be happy! I’m so bitter about so  many things that I want to just let it all go and get the heck over everything. Seriously. Just make like Elsa and let it go. Except the cold part, the cold bothers me. A lot. I don’t like any weather below 65/70. I mean, i AM from the South. That mess can stay up North (sorry guys).
 I lost control today. For the past couple of Days I have done amazing. I have went running/ walking, Ive eaten really well, Ive avoided sweets and soda… But today was different. I think i ate a total of 7 cupcakes. Ouch. It really hurts to admit that. They were not the bakery kind, I made them at home. Yet, that is no excuse. Now I am paying for it with a sick tummy and sugar headache that will not go away, sometimes it turns into a migraine. Prayers that it doesn’t.
Back to the reason why… Mom started chemo again. She developed what they call a fistula. It’s a deep wound where her intestines pretty much exploded. She is now wearing two ostomy bags and planning to have the bottom removed in a couple of months. The top one, however, will remain. Then the doctor told us that the cancer had ‘leaked’ into her intestines. If something happens this second round of chemo (since the first round caused the fistula) they will no longer see chemo as an option. There will be nothing more they can do.
She has already had radiation.
She is not a surgery candidate.
She will be out of options.
The only option I can give at that point would be to pray. Pray so hard that your knees hurts and your throat is stinging. I trust God. Weirdly enough, throughout all of this, I think God is doing whatever this is to the good. Whatever his will is, I believe it is a justified good will. But If I truly feel that way, why have I stopped talking and worshipping him? *Sigh*
 So me losing control, I can’t afford to lose control like that to be honest. It really takes a toll on my emotional health, my physical health and my spiritual health. I just craved the sweetness, I knew exactly why too when I was eating them. I actually snuck into the kitchen to grab one. I hate days like this. It makes me feel terrible.
It all goes back to me feeling like a walking pity party. Why do I have to act like this, my mom has the cancer, not me. She is feeling terrible and sick and weak… what excuse do I have?
So this post got so far off topic quickly, but hey, welcome to my brain. That’s pretty much how I operate. You’re welcome.
I feel like I should put a sticky note on this one that says “Warning: Random as Crap… Proceed at Own Risk”, because…well, it is. Eh, it’s been a crazy long day.
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