Clouds…

When I think of my mom, I think about fun times, my daughter, laughter, some tears, and a good amount of happiness.

My mother is not perfect by any means. She has made mistakes in her past and has done things that she admits and regrets. I do not think anyone on this planet is perfect. So, she is like the rest of us.

She is a wonderful mother and a fantastic grandmother. She loves my daughter so unconditionally and crazy hard. It’s a perfect love.

We never used to see eye to eye on a lot of things, my grandmother raised me most of the times, but we still shared and kept a bond.

Now, I miss those days we never had and the times we should have spent together. I regret the three years that we didn’t speak because of my pride. I miss the holidays we didn’t spend together. I miss the holidays that we will not get to have in the future.

I miss the days that she will not get to spend with my daughter, I miss the graduation she will miss, the wedding she will miss, the great grandchild she will miss, the drivers test, the first kiss, the first date, the shopping, the tantrums, the spend the night parties…

I miss the never will bes

I find it hard to believe that it is ok for her to being dying so young. She is only 52. But here she is, laying in the bed, suffering. Dying.

See, cancer is a bitch. She sneaks up on you when you’re enjoying your life and everything is going good. She smacks you in the face with a vengeance.

She doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor… young or old… happy or sad. She just comes anyways.

Knowing that God has a plan doesn’t help. I have full faith in my Creator and I know the He wants the best for His people. I still hurt and I still doubt. I don’t think that I could lie and say I don’t.

It’s hard to keep the faith when it seems like everything is going wrong. It’s hard when you’re hurting.

But today, when I was hearing the doctors say she only had a few weeks left… I was able to see through my step dads pain and harsh words towards me and see that he was hurting too. I didn’t get mad when he said upsetting things. I didn’t get hot headed and irritated. I simply understood his pain.

I let it wash over me.

This is amazing. I’m usually a hot head.

I just stared at the clouds.

~Hannah

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