I’ll always love you more…

Let’s be honest, cancer is not pretty. The cancer societies always shows these fun commercials that has survivors prancing around in bright clothing, thankful for another birthday. They want you to donate and to just look at these happy and thriving people.

But that’s not the reality of cancer.

My mother was completely lucid a week ago. She was in pain, she was uncomfortable, but she was talking to us and communicating. Today she is talking randomly about the strangest things, she is not coherent, she is mumbling. Is it the pain meds that she is getting every two hours? Maybe. Is it the build up of toxins and the slow kidney failure? Possibly. Is it the softball size tumor sitting in her abdomen? Could be.

Who really knows.

It’s a sad way to go, slowly dying like this. Starving because your body rejects the food and water. In pain because there is no real way to stop it. Cancer is not pretty. It’s not birthdays and flowers, seeing a grand baby grow.

Not everyone that gets cancer gets a cure. Why can’t we talk about that? Why can’t we show commercials of cancer patients like this, just to let people know the realities. Yes, some get that remission and ‘cure’. Many do not. Cancer patients are like Schrodinger’s cat.  They are both dead and alive.

We celebrated the life and will eventually celebrate the death. I’m not ready to grieve her. I haven’t even been able to grieve my pawpaw (for non southern folks, that’s my grandfather). I’m not ready to imagine a life without her. Isn’t that the grand tragedy of life? We spend most of our life bickering and fighting, cutting each other down, hating and harming each other. Then, when we are at the end… we miss them. We regret the past. We regret the words and attitudes.

No, cancer is not pretty at all. I can’t believe how quickly something can come in and just devastate a whole family and life. Ya know, it can at least apologize at the end. “Hey, sorry I came in and jacked up your life and your family’s life. I was just doing my job.” How polite cancer would be.

I do not have any rhyme or reason to anything right now. I guess. I just write because it helps me somewhat deal with seeing what I see. Feeling what I feel. It does help some.

If, by some chance, this blog was to go viral or get big… I would want women to read this post. To read this: Get checked. Go to the doctor. Get your Paps done and follow the doctors orders. If you have an abnormal, go back in 6 months. If you start bleeding abnormally… GET CHECKED OUT. Do not wait, do not put it off. Take care of yourself ladies.

Chill out on the processed food, the sodas, the candies. Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. Walk, do yoga, stop stressing about stuff. Find God. Live for him. Pray.

You don’t have to be super vegan, skinny, perfect. But be proactive in your health. Stop ignoring the fact that external factors such as food causes cancer.

Love yourself enough to invest in yourself. Please.

For the sake of your children and grandchildren. Get checked out.

Thank you

~Hannah

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