Let’s be honest, even though I don’t wanna

OK, so it’s about to real honest up in here. I’m talking ‘straight to yo face and all up in yo grill’ type of honest. I have written about this before and I was halfhearted in making any plans and taking action. I talked a good game and made great plans! But never did anything.

What are you talking about Hannah!

I’m talking about my… food addiction.

But Hannah, get serious. That’s not a real thing!

Lies!! It is a real thing. Trust me.

For the past two weeks I have fed this addiction and gave in to it. I ate everything, I hoarded food, I got up at midnight and snicked food into the bed… Yesterday, I ate 10 mini brownies. 10. Let that sink in. Two was considered a serving.

Today I weighed myself to find that I had gained 8 pounds in two weeks. It hit me hard. I had started running/ walking again, started yoga again, watched what I ate, and drank nothing but water. It doesn’t mean anything when the food is an addiction.

It’s my stress relief, my comfort, my safety blanket, my everything when I need it. It’s embarrassing saying that. It really is. How ashamed I am to know that I am relying on food instead of relying on our Almighty God! Isn’t He the only one that can really comfort me? Ease my stress? A safety blanket? Can’t only God provide my every needs?

Today I am making an effort to not only count those calories, but the trust God to give me what I need, when I need it, and how I need it. For example, I need to get over the fact that I am using food to cover my sadness over my mother. Can’t God ease that burden better than a brownie?

By the way, the answer is yes. Yes, He can.

I think that when the world starts spinning too fast, we start grasping at physical things to get up by. I am somewhat immature in my faith with God. I have known God for a long time. I never KNEW God until now. As someone with a slight (re:huge) issue with control, it’s to just give up that power and hand it over to someone else.

I could control food. I can’t control cancer.

God knows what he is doing. Thankfully. Because I am completely lost most of the time.

So, is there another game plan? Yes.

Trust God. When I get the urge to binge, Pray. When I get the urge to hide food? Pray. When I feel overwhelmed and out of control? Pray.

Notice the trend?

This is going to be hard. It’s going to test me beyond anything.

Anything worth having isn’t easy though.

~Hannah

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