Confused, not Dazed

Today my heart hurts, my brain is rattled, and my emotions are everywhere.

We made a decision to stop visitation with mom and a longtime significant other. He was there for her through everything. He cared (as we thought) for her, loved her, and for the most part treated her right.

He has a history of irrational and confrontational behavior. She is on heavy pain meds and cannot walk, eat, drink… anything. He has been trying to get her up and putting foods in her mouth, regardless what we said to him.

He was starting to get back verbally abusive and confrontational. He hasn’t got to that point yet. But, it was coming. We could all see it.

So we went ahead and done it.

It actually hurt me.

I wanted him to straighten up, to support us and our decisions, to act right and not push certain things.

I wanted the friendship and love to continue.

Mom is needing more and more pain meds to be comfortable and it’s keeping her sedated. he would have a hard time dealing with that. He would become more and more aggressive.

I say to myself, “I’m saving him from having to deal with it”. But, i’m not a martyr. I’m not going to pretend to be that good. I was somewhat selfish in agreeing to do it. I did not want to deal with his grieving and mine at the same time.

How noble of me.

I can imagine his confusion and frustration and hurt when the officers walked in. I know. I can’t say it’s for the best. But I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet. Like I made a good decision.

Whether we agree or not, I do think it’s for the best. I wish I could have spoken to him first. Explained things. Explain my side. I don’t think I could have though.

Do I regret this? Yes.

Am I confident it was the right decision? Yes.

Do I hate the situation? Yes.

I wish I didn’t have to make these decisions. I want someone else to make them for me. This deep dragging down of my soul has to hit rock bottom at some point, right?

My friends, please, continue to lift us up in prayer.

Pray for our comfort, peace, healing, mind, and soul.

~Hannah

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