One month and counting

It’s been a little over a month now.

A month and I’m still missing her, still seeing her in my mind, still regretting the things I did and didn’t say, still wanting to call her and see her.

Momma… where did you go?

The hardest part was not watching her pass, was not planning the service, signing the consent to have her cremated, watching the funeral director load her onto a gurney and leave… no, it was not the service or the songs.

It is now, going into a store and meeting a friend and them saying how sorry they were. It is having friends of hers randomly message me on Facebook and say how much they miss her. It is her fiance constantly watching movies with her in them.

It is the surviving after she’s gone. It’s breathing every day without my mother, my best friend, and my biggest supporter. It is the hardest part of loosing someone. Just the going on without them.

I think that they should include a step in the grieving process called ‘dealing with regret’. There is a time after dealing with the grief and the arrangements that you become painfully aware of all of the things that you said or did to a person while they were living. Every time you were impatient with them, frustrated with them, or just grumpy.

It is the hardest part, other than the random people of course.

But i’m still struggling on, trying to find some balance and some activities to occupy my time in the down times. I can’t find myself not having my mind occupied. I have to not think. It does get better I hear. So that’s good.

 

I hope so.

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